My Battle with a Porn Addiction

JL writes:

Jesus continues to meet me at my lowest moments. He is faithful to His words and by His  grace alone I have been able to prove it for myself!

I grew up in a Christian household, in fact my father was a pastor. My parents instilled Christian values into me from a young age and for the most part I was a “good person”. I did my best to stick to all the rules and I was very involved in church. Although I sincerely took an interest in God and all the Bible stories I learned in Sunday School, I came face to face with a major crossroads and existential crisis in when I fell into a pornography addiction. 

This was around my freshman year of high school and I was overcome by guilt and hopelessness. I prayed and I tried to stop, but no matter how bad I wanted to break the addiction I couldn’t! 

I got to the point where I gave up trying. I reasoned that God was not real since I was battling this addiction and He wouldn’t change me.

Of course, being raised as a Christian the thought of God not being real is terrifying, but I thought I had found the truth. As hard as the truth is to accept I rather live according to it than a lie!

I broke down. 

I remember saying “God if you’re real and if anyone should know you, I should know you! I’ve been praying all my life! I’ve been going to church all my life! My dad is the pastor! I sing in the choir! Now that I need you, you aren’t here!”

Everything in me had accepted the fact that God was not real so I was at ground 0 of my identity crying on the floor.

 In that very moment the Holy Spirit flooded my room and surrounded me in a way I could tangibly feel, but could never explain! It was like my whole being was embraced with a warm wind all around me and then inside of my belly felt warm and I started smiling and laughing! I was filled with joy and complete peace! 

Then I started crying again because I realized in my moment of despair God had literally stepped into my room. I was convicted for even doubting God was real and my mind began to replay all the little ways God has always been there. I opened up my Bible and it turned to Matthew 7. I read it and every word came alive! I received so much revelation and understanding from the Bible that I never had before. 

Verse 21 stuck with me and from that day I decided to live my life having a personal relationship with God. Today I can testify that trials come, life gets weary , but God is real! And He is the anchor in every storm! Even when you don’t see Him or feel Him He is holding you and keeping you! 

Trust Him